TW – Loss
I’ve struggled to find the right words to explain these last couple weeks. I try so hard to be open and honest with this journey, because I know how it feels to walk it alone. Sometimes though, the truth behind the journey is painful and sharing it takes a lot of courage. Reliving these last few weeks is proving to be difficult. I am still right in the fresh stages of grief, and still trying to wrap my mind around the closing of this chapter.
Our final embryo transfer was on April 7th. It was perfect. Dr. Khan came out of his research study to do the transfer himself (I’m forever grateful for him). Vigilante Shit by Taylor Swift was playing in the procedure room, my favorite ultrasound tech was on, and they told me my sweet little embryo looked great! We did all the things – french fries for breakfast on the drive home, pomegranate juice pre and post transfer, cozy IVF socks to keep my feet warm, naps, and cuddles for the rest of the day. Everything went as well as could be expected.
I promised myself I wasn’t going to take a home pregnancy test this time around. I was just going to wait the 9 days for my Beta/HCG blood draw. By day 5 I let my anxiety get the best of me and ran to the store to pick up some home tests on my lunch break. I gave my bladder time to fill up and peed on that little stick later that afternoon. I swear, time slows down when you’re waiting for something like that. . . I tried to keep myself occupied with work, but my mind was distracted by the little stick on my bathroom counter. . .
2. Pink. Lines. There were TWO lines on that little test!
I called Marty and asked him to pick Findley up from daycare so that I could shower and collect myself before he got home.
I was still in the shower when they got here. He saw that little stick on the counter in the bathroom but walked by it. I think he was afraid to see what it said. He gave me the eye roll and reminded me that we weren’t going to do this to ourselves this time. I just laughed, encouraged him to take a closer look and let me know what he thought.
“it’s still early, there’s still time…” MARTIN, LOOK AT THE DAMN STICK. He finally got close enough to see those 2 little lines and then it hit him. This worked! We’re going to have a baby! Lots of tears, and laughs, and hugs, and excitement filled our home that day.
Now, anyone who has experienced loss knows that you have to remain cautiously optimistic in these moments. And we were. But the excitement was overwhelming. We started talking about the future. How fun was this going to be, a boy and a girl. Fin was going to be the BEST big brother ever. Marty was going to be a girl dad – something he was so excited about. We were going to have our perfect and complete little family. We started talking names, and how we were going to miss Christmas this year, and all the fun adventures we’d take as a family of 4.
2 days later I took another home test, just to be sure you know, and immediately the word YES+ popped up. PHEW! I sent Marty the photo and said “just in case we weren’t sure before”. My heart was full.
My HCG lab draw was scheduled for 4/16 – 9 days post transfer. Mayo Clinic classifies anything over 5 as a positive pregnancy test, but 50 and higher is what they consider ideal for a viable pregnancy. There’s lots of wiggle room in there though. (For reference, my beta HCG with Findley was 203.)
I had a lot of anxiety going in to this beta. I was trying hard to remain hopeful, but in my gut I just wasn’t quite sure. I wanted this to work, but also wanted to protect my heart in the off chance it didn’t.
My results came in a few hours after I got home from the lab . . .
34.
My heart dropped. I tried to stay calm, but the tears came out faster than I could really process what I was going to say to Marty. I wanted to remain hopeful. Maybe it was a late implantation. Maybe there was an error in the lab work. I explained the numbers to him. I think we both knew that this was not looking good, but we tried to hold on to that glimmer of hope.
They wanted me to come back in 2 days later for a follow up HCG lab. The goal is for these numbers to double over a 48 hour period.
Tuesday, 4/18 – HCG = 10.6.
“Successful IVF Transfer resulting in an early pregnancy loss.”
I was pregnant. And then I wasn’t.
Just like that.
I am grateful for what I have. My husband, my son, my family, my friends. I am truly blessed and very lucky to have what I have.
I am also so sad, and heartbroken for all that has been lost. My therapist reminded me last week that this is not as simple as an IVF transfer not working. This is a loss. I am mourning the loss of the baby girl that never got to be.
I have so many more things to share, and will do so as time goes by and my heart heals.
I’m grateful for the love and support that I’ve received in the last few weeks. I don’t know what our next steps look like right now, but I do know that I will be taking some time to really focus on the family that I do have.
Until next time,
xoxo
Ashleigh
The Adventures of a Hot Mess Mom 